elleave

what exactly makes someone famous? is it how much makeup they can cake on at one time? is it how many myspace friends they have...or pretend to have? or could it be their overly confident persona. i personally think all these possibilities are plausable. it hurts me tremendously when a person on buzznet can get a featured photo just by taking pictures in a bathroom. i honestly don't understand it. i know that there are quite a few people who capture amazing pictures but the number is small. i hate to rant like this, but it has been on my mind for some time and i felt now is a good time to vent. has anyone on any social site been famous for contributing to something significant? perhaps, but again, the number is very small. i want to believe society is not as superficial as it seems, but god, it really is. people with insane hair, cake faces, and a once-in-a-blue-moon modelling career should not be taken so damn seriously. they're people too! just like the mail man down the street, they have flaws and insecurities like everyone else. except the mail man down the street is a bit more deserving of everything he has. but i got to give these individuals some credit. congraduations, you have just managed to doop every internet-using preteen. somehow, they now desire to be you. yes, scandelous photos and all. the day i find someone truely worthy of internet success is the day i will shave my head. in other words, don't count on it.

and do these e-celebs even have real social lives? probably, but it's very limited. because they always find time to spend at least twenty hours of each day on the computer. why? i'm not quite sure yet. but i'm assuming they thrive off of being liked and their effortless ability to hypnotize impressionable teens. i obviously do not dislike anyone who enjoys indirectly paying for these celebs bills by slaving over their pictures and purchasing their shit. but if social site users have an ounce of intelligence, they will realize that these individuals are incapable of doing anything important and thus, are subjected to taking your money to continue to ....do nothing. all i'm saying is, the internet is just entertainment, not air. once you've experienced life at its fullest, you'll realize how much time you've actually wasted slaving over e-celeberties who probably don't even know who you are.

vanity and obsession kills.

can you think of a friend you couldn't live without? well i'm lucky to have a person like that in my life. i've been best friends with the same person for twelve long years and i couldn't imagine my life without her. whenever i feel depressed, she is the first person to lift me up. whenever i feel like a failure, she assures me i'm something special. whenever i need a person to just listen and not talk, i know i can count on her. i can remember back in our daycare days, she would always hog all the foam blocks and tag me in grounder. but nevertheless, we just ... clicked i guess. everything she likes, i like. and everything i dislike, she dislikes. it's a bit srange actually. how we are evidently different people, yet exactly the same. i wish she did not have to move all the way across canada. high school is definitely not the same without her. yes, i've met some irriplaceable people during the years she had been gone, but that doesn't mean i don't miss her. the day she told me she was coming down next week. i almost fell off my chair. long distance friendships are said to be hard. but we remained the best of friends through it all. and now, we can finally hang out, like we use too. but the good news didn't stop there. oh no. she also told me she was coming down for all of university next fall. i'm so excited for her return. i've been counting down the days on my calender. five more days. wow. so much to do and so little time. luckly one thing is certain, i will be sure to take lots of pictures of all the shanagines we're bound to get into.

i'm not one to disscuss my personal life. and i most definitely do not talk about my friends for privacy reasons. but this girl is not just "another friend" she is like my other half. the side i can depend on in any situation. the side that knows me more than i know myself. and for that reason, she is the exception.

self less . caring . considerate . loyal . funny . one of a kind.

never had i thought one person could be all those things and more.

Hold a true friend with both your hands.

do you know what i hate more than politics? about me's. this is only because they can be incredibly pointless and sometimes untrue. so for this reason, it is my goal for this journal to make the truest and most relevant about me i've ever attempted to write. hopefully, here goes something a little more than nothing.

i'm a pretty simple girl from Toronto, ON, Canada. friends, family, music, and of course art, are for the most part, what makes me happy now-a-days. lately, my stress level has been going up the roof lately with school and such. i want to do so many things in life but i honestly have no time. i'm approaching, for lack of a better word, woman-hood. and i'm so so so scared. i've always been in the same city, around the same people, in the same environment, that the thought of leaving the comforts of home is anxiety-inducing. as for what i want to do in the future. i know i want to do something in business or photography. hopefully i'll have the opportunity to do both. majority of my friends are going away next fall for school. that in itself makes me extremely depressed. i've had the same friends all my life and i honestly think i'm going to fall apart without them. i know this sounds desperate, but i need them. they have shaped me into the person i am today, and without them means a new person. will i like this new person? probably not, but like most things in life, i'm gonna have to learn to adjust.

i have some bad habits that i need to get rid of. i have the tendancy to push potential relationships away because i'm afraid of committment. i'm afriad if they get too close, they won't like the real me. i'm afriad they will see something in me that's not there. i'm afriad they will have all these expectations that i can not live up too. i'm afraid i will get hurt or i will hurt him. i just don't want that kind of stress in my life right now. but because of this, i have let go of some amazing people who, i now realize, i did not deserve.

on a lighter note, i am a complete movie and music addict. canadian independant films are my favorite though. i think it's because the characters and the storyline are much deeper and more moving than most big budget fillms. in regards to music, i've always and will always love metal, but lately, i've found myself listening to more local indie bands.

my perception of beauty and alot of other issues have changed. i no longer think life is just black and white. there are most definitely grey areas. writing is one of my favorite creative outlets. i feel as though if i write my thoughts down it will leviate a bourden in my life and phopefully help someone through a rough time in their own. in the future, i plan on exploring new environments and meeting new people but one thing is for sure, i will stay true to myself for as long as i am breathing. no matter what life throws at me.

Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

today started off pretty crappy. i woke up at 7:00 for a 9:00 am doctor's oppointment. tired and annoyed, i drove up north hoping i wouldn't be late. everything was going pretty good, until the rain started. there was so much traffic and accidents on the road, that i was almost a full hour late. good thing my doctor has a great sense of hunour, cuz she wasn't mad at all. after she felt me up a bit and told me everything was okay. she gave me a pat on the back and showed me out. in no time, i was back out in the pouring rain and still pretty tired. fortunately there was a tim hortan's five minutes away from the hospital, so i got a triple triple large coffee. lol yeah ... i was that tired. on my way back home, the raods were still congested with cars. so to pass the time, i wiped out my carmera and took a few photos of what was around me. how could a day this crappy be so gorgeous? that's probably why i prefer the sight of things through a camera lens as opposed to the human eye.

went i finally came home, i took these.

right now, my feet hurt and my hair is a mess. i want to just plop on the couch and watch rushmore. but i'm going out with some friends in thirty minutes. oh well, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS HERE I COME!

here's another issue for the road. teen suicide. what does it take for someone to actually kill themselves? perhaps it's a mixture of unfortunate events that happened in their life. even though teen suicide is a sad subject, it happens way too often to ignore. i can not even imagine what those depressive kids are going through. yeah, i know we all have our bad days, maybe even horrible days, but no one should ever take their own life. life is too precious to be thrown away. whenever i see people at my school bullying other kids, i feel incredibly disgusted. i know alot of metors say "bullies only bully because they are sad inside" but that does not bring back the person they just indirectly killed due to their actions. i want to believe everyone is good, but instances like these make it hard for me to appreciate how far humaity has gotten.

the most important life lesson my parents have taught me is to never let anyone see your pain. and i completely agree with every word of it. once people sense your valnerability or weaknesses, they will take advantage of you and hurt you even more. the worst thing you can do is try to change people. it is a fact, they will always be evil. and life will always throw crap in your face. so instead of crying in a corner and hating life as it is, use that same creativity to make some changes for the better. whether it means talking to someone about your concerns or distancing yourself from negative people. it will help you tremendously. and if you are alive long enough, you will see how beautiful life can be once you've lived it to the fullest.

You cannot let the past cloud your perception of the future.

homosexuality. this issue has been on my mind for awhile but i've never really found the right words to describe how i feel about it. but i think now is a good time to muster up my thoughts and try to make sense of it all. i most definietly do not have an issue with people who are gay. i truely believe everyone is born with the right to do whatever they please, and they should die with that right. marriage is suppose to be something that lasts, and no one should be with someone they do not love just cuz it is "accepted" or it is "normal". in fact, i encourage everyone to, in a sense, rebel against societal norms. the sooner we can learn to listen to our hearts and only our hearts, the sooner we can experience true happiness. 

but what about the people who are against gay rights? i know everyone is entitled to their own opinion but what is their justification for hating homosexuality? perhaps it's religion or just old fashioned morals? quite a few homophobics claim that god is against gays so automatically being gay is wrong. i think that's a bunch of rubbish. when i think of the word "religion" i think of finding spiritual contentment and learning to love everyone as equals. but i guess i was wrong. when i see pictures like the one above showing people with signs that say "u need jesus christ" it makes me drift further and further away from religion. people can believe what they want to believe. i have no problem with that. but when you go out of your home and tell other people how to live their lives, that's where a line should be drawn. sometimes i wish people would just mind their own business and stop making other people feel less than.

love does not judge. so why should we?

how do you react to people who are mentally or physically different? would you turn away or would you offer to help them if they were in need? after i did a project last semester on people with proteus syndrome, i wondered how i would react if i meet someone with that condition. proteus syndrome causes large fleshy grows on the body. sounds kinda scary but its super rare. when i was doing my project i found myself really sad at the fact that most people with this condition are pretty much rejected from the world and live in hiding. no one should ever have to spend their days alone, no matter what they look like. as much as i hate society for being so close-minded, i have to wonder if i would act the same way. i hope to god i would treat them the same way i treat everyone; with repect; but you never know what you would do in a situation if you've never been in it.

i've met alot of superficial people in my life. specifically the ones who have the nerve to call other people ugly or fat or hideous. but the truth is, no one really knows what true beauty is or what it looks like. so for others to be the judge of other people, is pathetic. if you are strong enough mentally and emotionally, you will find the courage to ignore people like that. even if you are not the most self-confident person, it is still important to filter out negativity the best you can. cuz if you don't, you'll crash and burn.

but what about people who are overly confident about their looks? in my past experiences, those people are usually the ugliest inside. if a person has to constantly talk about how gorgeous they are, it obviously means that are not all that confident. so i guess what i am trying to say is that it's never a good thing to have a low self-esteem or an overly high one. if you are able to look in the mirror and be content with what you see, than you've just achieved true beauty.

 if you don't believe you're beautiful, no one will either.

death is a pretty heavy subject. but when my friend's friend died from a brain aneurysm at 16, it made me think about how quick our lives can end. there were literally no signs and no symptoms, it just happened. even though i did not know this person, i felt so sorry for my friend and her lose. death is pretty serious shit. so it makes me sick when people make it into the next big trend. i'm not saying death should be embraced, but it should be respected. i am just extremely thankful that i have never experienced a death in my family or close circle of friends. i honestly don't know what i would do if someone i loved died. i probably wouldn't be able to handle it. all-in-all, i think the lesson learned today is to cherish your life because it can be over in a second. and if you could die content, than you're better off than most people.

mother nature has got it out for us. we're all doomed.

my whole life i've done nothing but try to please people. even if i hate the person, i always try to find the good in them. i've recently found out, due to my growing maturity, that you can not let other people walk all over you. you have to stand up and tell that person how you feel. because if you don't, they will just do the same thing over and over and over again. i know it is important to always be optimistic when it comes to judging others, but sometimes, you find yourself in a situation where is it pointless to try to be nice to that person. because that person will never ever change. ever since i can remember i've constantly tried to change the people i love. if a friend smokes cigs for breakfast, drinks liquor for lunch, and snorts drugs for dinner, i will tell that person how i feel, even if it could hurt their feelings. but now i know that i'm the only person in the wrong. everyone should and has the right to do whatever they want, and it is not my place to interfer. i guess in my defense, i just want the best for everyone. and i know now that it is impossible to change people if they themselves do not want to change. you just have to stand back and shut up. more or less. so i guess the lesson i learned today was that if you care enough about someone, you should in a way, not care so much ... if that makes any sense lol.

oh, what i would give for a life this flawless.